Q: If she prayed for my prayer request at youth group, does that mean she wants to marry me?
A: Whoa, there, don't rush, it just means she wants to be engaged to you. Prayer is a ringer!
Q: She passed me the offering plate tonight, so we're getting pretty serious. What should my next move be?
A: Put in your tithe and offerings then pass the plate to the next person on the row.
Q: There's no one my age at church. Do I switch denominations?
A: I don't see the problem. We are all in the Church Age. Are you a time traveler? Is there a denomination where they allow you to marry another age? Probably Mormon, idk.
Q: I met a guy at church camp but he didn't ask for my number. Should I follow him on instagram?
A: You should follow him in real life and take pictures of him in real life.
Q: What ever happened to @askbaptistmemes?
A: I ate it.
Q: I keep getting creepy message requests from guys who look like stalkers. Should I accept in case one is my future husband?
A: I'm sorry, I will stop messaging you, kay? Just because I like wearing black does not mean I am a stalker. But I am one. Well.
Q: Ooh! I have a question! Is the infamous Samuel Garcia still single?
A: I am one single physical body. As for my mental state, I have multiple personality disorder. Or so they say. We haven't reached a consensus yet. The council of Sams will convene soon.
Q: Are you dating (so-and-so; question asked multiple times about different girls)?
A: No, eww, she's like a (sister/niece/something else) to me.
Q: Should the guy or girl make the first move?
A: You're supposed to move the white pieces first in Chess.
Q: How do I explain to my friends that I only do side-hugs, and thus cannot hold hands during prayer time?
A: With a Powerpoint presentation detailing facts and charts about the statistics of the correlation between leprosy and holding hands.
Q: She liked my Facebook status, it was a status about my paycheck. Should I ask her out even if she is a potential gold digger?
A: Yes. Digging for gold is a lost skill in this day and age. You have to make claims on the rush, pan for the gold in rivers and streams, do some tests whether or not the object found is actually fool's gold or some other gold impostor, and find the right prices for the gold market.
Q: She's my wife. Should I marry her?
A: Remarriage to someone who is already married is a sin. Marrying your wife again is even worse because now it will be an infinite loop of iniquity akin to witchcraft and the grandfather paradox.