Another rare post about *cough* girls. Or, actually, relationships. Or something. No, just random ramblings without construction about the fact of relationships or lack thereof.
Everyone I know seems to ask me if I have a girlfriend, or if I'm courting. My grandma, cousins, family, relatives, strangers, friends from church and college, authority figures, teachers, pastors, random people....
I keep telling them, No, not yet, me? I have to... earn money, finish college, stuff like that. That I'm very, very picky. That I only want one girlfriend, and that she'll be my future wife someday. That I want to be patient and be very careful.
And that's all true. They're not really excuses, or at least bad ones. But what I don't tell many people is that I think I know who she is.
But I don't tell them. Because I feel like I fail in everything I plan concerning these things. Always waiting and waiting for weeks to build up courage. Always failing to ask in time for a date to the banquet. Always resigning whenever the one you ask tells you that, in a deflating tone of voice, why she can't go out with you. Always feeling too dejected to try again in the foreseeable future.
(That's why I look forward to the bi-annual dancing balls where the Scottish music plays around here in Ohio every spring and winter. At least there, no lady will reject any gentleman who asks her for just a single dance. And all dance as friends, not any more than such. There is no dating or any such romantic matter. Just merely fun and laughs. But I digress.)
Some people have caught on a little bit on who she would be. Or maybe, they already know for sure who she will be, as if God reveals it to them, not to me. I think He does, though. Either that, or there's a huge conspiracy going on. Them peoples making little snide, seemingly harmless jokes here and there, and I just smile and shrug it off.
It's probably my fault. Making little art game in dedication to a certain, specific mademoiselle was not the most subtle thing I could have done for Valentine's Day. I don't regret doing that, though.
People are smarter than you think. They observe you. They know more.
I think she even knows. Maybe. Or maybe she actually dislikes me a lot. Or thinks me amusing. I never really asked. Sometimes I want to know. Sometimes I don't want to know.
It's been a long time since we were together for any reason. We used to go to school. And to youth group activities. And nowadays, I only see her at church, rarely. I think we naturally avoid each other. I can probably count only a handful of times where we both were in proximity of less than one feet from each other. And most of those times were more or less forced. It made me hesitant and uncomfortable and yet strangely hopeful.
You probably can tell she occupies my thoughts a lot. Trust me, I tried forgetting. And erasing my memory. And finding another to take her place in my heart. To no avail. And that's one reason I
know it's her.
Even then....
What am I supposed to do, though? Every opportunity I ever had has disappeared and it doesn't seem like any will come. I'm just quiet now. Waiting. Dreaming. Watching. Hoping. Praying. Looking out my window to see a winter wonderland.
I've just accepted the fact that if we were indeed meant for each other, that God will bring us together one day.
I love her. I trust Him.
