Musings About Girls and Various Things Like That

Musing #1:
So.

I like most girls.

I have many friends that are girls.

I really like some girls.

I really, really liked a few girls.

I only love one girl.

I have never had a girlfriend.

Musing #2:
I have asked out many girls to dance.

They all said "yes".

I've only asked out girls for a banquet thrice.

They all said "no".

I only had two dates in my life.

We were just as friends.

I thought she was the one. No, she is the one.

We're just acquaintances now. Almost strangers, but not quite.

No one. I have no one.

I never really knew where I stood with her. Who is she to me? Who am I to her? I. Don't. Know.

Musing #3:
I think all that I am is an annoyance to her. That I really don't mean anything to her. That I just imagined I might have meant something. But not really. Maybe, I have meant something, just not in the way I thought I did.
I asked her out once. I don't think I'll ever do it again. I felt like I wasn't wanted there. She sounded like she wanted to be anywhere but there where I was. That's why I ran. So she wouldn't have to be anywhere near me.
I tried to be just a friend to her. But I can't. She can't as well.
When I look at her, I see all my failures. When I look at her, I miss her even more. So close, and yet so unreachable.
And I still am running.

Musings #4:
Why do I pour out my heart on these blog posts?

Because I want to, that's why. And the majority of the readers won't know the details.

So you are left to ponder.

Musings #5:
Only God can bring this soul to peace, this longing heart to hope.

Relationship Ramblings, Or, Why Sam Doesn't Have A Girlfriend

Another rare post about *cough* girls. Or, actually, relationships. Or something. No, just random ramblings without construction about the fact of relationships or lack thereof.

Everyone I know seems to ask me if I have a girlfriend, or if I'm courting. My grandma, cousins, family, relatives, strangers, friends from church and college, authority figures, teachers, pastors, random people....

I keep telling them, No, not yet, me? I have to... earn money, finish college, stuff like that. That I'm very, very picky. That I only want one girlfriend, and that she'll be my future wife someday. That I want to be patient and be very careful.

And that's all true. They're not really excuses, or at least bad ones. But what I don't tell many people is that I think I know who she is.

But I don't tell them. Because I feel like I fail in everything I plan concerning these things. Always waiting and waiting for weeks to build up courage. Always failing to ask in time for a date to the banquet. Always resigning whenever the one you ask tells you that, in a deflating tone of voice, why she can't go out with you. Always feeling too dejected to try again in the foreseeable future.

(That's why I look forward to the bi-annual dancing balls where the Scottish music plays around here in Ohio every spring and winter. At least there, no lady will reject any gentleman who asks her for just a single dance. And all dance as friends, not any more than such. There is no dating or any such romantic matter. Just merely fun and laughs. But I digress.)

Some people have caught on a little bit on who she would be. Or maybe, they already know for sure who she will be, as if God reveals it to them, not to me. I think He does, though. Either that, or there's a huge conspiracy going on. Them peoples making little snide, seemingly harmless jokes here and there, and I just smile and shrug it off.

It's probably my fault. Making little art game in dedication to a certain, specific mademoiselle was not the most subtle thing I could have done for Valentine's Day. I don't regret doing that, though.

People are smarter than you think. They observe you. They know more.

I think she even knows. Maybe. Or maybe she actually dislikes me a lot. Or thinks me amusing. I never really asked. Sometimes I want to know. Sometimes I don't want to know.

It's been a long time since we were together for any reason. We used to go to school. And to youth group activities. And nowadays, I only see her at church, rarely. I think we naturally avoid each other. I can probably count only a handful of times where we both were in proximity of less than one feet from each other. And most of those times were more or less forced. It made me hesitant and uncomfortable and yet strangely hopeful.

You probably can tell she occupies my thoughts a lot. Trust me, I tried forgetting. And erasing my memory. And finding another to take her place in my heart. To no avail. And that's one reason I know it's her.

Even then....

What am I supposed to do, though? Every opportunity I ever had has disappeared and it doesn't seem like any will come. I'm just quiet now. Waiting. Dreaming. Watching. Hoping. Praying. Looking out my window to see a winter wonderland.

I've just accepted the fact that if we were indeed meant for each other, that God will bring us together one day.

I love her. I trust Him.

Postmortem: The Chase Unrequited

The Chase Unrequited: http://www.kongregate.com/games/gmx0/the-chase-unrequited

I created this game for a special someone for Valentine's Day.

Music:

I didn't have time to browse for a better fitting music than the Carpenters' love song "Close To You". My mom liked it, so I was forced to keep it. Alternatively, I am willing to experiment with "Fur Elise" or classical love pieces.

Gameplay:

The gameplay itself is a clone of "qrp", which was created by "th15" from wyrdysm.com(He created the popular Battleships Forever). Basically, you move the guy around with the Arrow Keys, trying to "catch the girl", so to speak. The girl avoids you like crazy. My addition to this is the "Moods" that floats around the character's head to indicate their emotion.

Graphics:

I used the graphics from "Unrequited", the sort-of-prequel to this game.

What I Did Wrong:

1. The Flash port is not totally the same as the original. It is very close though.

2. I did not have better, smoother graphics.

3. I did not have more characters and gameplay as originally planned. I did not differentiate it enough from "qrp".

4. I did not get extensive testing before finishing. It may have a harder difficulty.

5. The game was not optimized as best as I could.

What I Did Right:

1. I finished on time. I met my deadline of Valentine's Day 2012, not 2013.

2. My Flash port succeeded compared to my only previous port(Shark Week to HTML5)

3. I kept the gameplay simple, though puzzling enough. There's more than one ending!

Play Now: http://www.kongregate.com/games/gmx0/the-chase-unrequited